"Looking through old photo albums, it’s clear – boy, boy, boy.
I wanted a girl’s name, girl’s clothing, to have my hair long and flowing, to wear a girl’s swimming suit, to have a Bat Mitzvah, to play on the girls’ teams after school, to change in the girls’ locker room, to wear skirts and dresses to important family occasions, to live in the girls’ section of the dorm at college…
I’m not sure how to reconcile those lists. To own up to my history outs me as trans and brings up a long stretch of time – the first twenty or so years of my life – that’s at odds with how I see myself now.
When I talk with people about Judaism, do I acknowledge my Bar Mitzvah and out myself, or do I say I had a Bat Mitzvah and rewrite part of my life? When an acquaintance talks about buying suits or ties, do I chime in with memories of my experiences, or do I stay silent? Do I ask my parents to take down pictures from the first two decades of my life? To wipe clean the time before I was 22 or 23? To cover the mirrors which reflect the parts of myself I don’t always want to remember, don’t always want to see?
I want to transform, from who I was, to who I want to be."
