“Eindelijk, ik lééf!” (Finally, I’m Alive!) by Angela van Bebber is a deeply personal and quietly powerful autobiography that traces a lifetime spent searching for authenticity, meaning, and inner peace. It is not a sensational story, nor a simplified tale of transformation, but an honest account of survival, perseverance, and the long road toward finally feeling at home in one’s own life. Published at the end of 2009, the book captures decades of lived experience and reflection, offering readers a rare and intimate look into the inner world of a transgender woman who came of age in a time when language, visibility, and understanding were painfully scarce.
Angela van Bebber was born in 1952 in Tilburg, the Netherlands, assigned male at birth, and raised in a society that gave her little room to understand or express who she truly was. In her book, she describes a life marked by constant inner tension, a feeling of not belonging, and the exhausting effort of trying to function in a world that did not reflect her inner reality. For many years, her emotions had no place to go. She lived in survival mode, navigating expectations, roles, and norms that felt fundamentally wrong, yet unavoidable. This prolonged dissonance left deep traces, something she does not shy away from acknowledging. The pain of those years, she makes clear, did not simply disappear once she began her transition. It shaped her, challenged her, and ultimately contributed to the perspective she carries today.
A crucial turning point came in the early 2000s. In 2001, Angela came out, and in May 2003 she began living openly as a woman. That same year, she sought medical support at the VU Medical Center in Amsterdam, where she continued her transition and eventually underwent gender confirmation surgery in 2006. These milestones form the structural backbone of “Eindelijk, ik lééf!”, but the book is far more than a chronological overview of medical steps. What gives it depth is the attention Angela pays to her inner life, her doubts, her resilience, and the emotional cost of waiting nearly fifty years to be herself. The title, “Finally, I’m Alive!”, is not a triumphant declaration in the conventional sense. Rather, it reflects a profound sense of relief, recognition, and cautious awakening. Being alive, in Angela’s understanding, is not about constant happiness or the absence of struggle. It is about honesty, about no longer hiding, and about allowing oneself to exist fully, even with scars and unresolved questions. Throughout the book, she makes it clear that transition did not magically solve everything. Some wounds take much longer to heal, and some may never fully disappear. Yet living truthfully made it possible to begin that healing at all.
One of the most striking aspects of the book is Angela’s openness. She writes without embellishment, without portraying herself as a hero or a victim. Instead, she presents her experiences as they were, sometimes painful, sometimes lonely, sometimes unexpectedly strong. This honesty has made the book especially meaningful for readers who are themselves questioning, transitioning, or struggling with identity. Angela does not offer a blueprint to follow. On the contrary, she emphasizes that every path is unique and that her story should be read as an invitation to trust one’s own process, not to imitate hers. This approach is echoed in her later reflections, including those shared in the interview for The Heroines of My Life, where Angela speaks with the same calm clarity found in her writing. In that conversation, she explains that one of her main reasons for writing the book was the lack of honest information available at the time. Silence, she believed, only leads to misunderstanding. By putting her story into words, she hoped to offer insight, recognition, and perhaps a sense of companionship to others who felt alone in their search. Writing became both a personal act of processing and a social act of responsibility.
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| Interview for 1Twente Hengelo (YouTube) |
The book also lays the foundation for Angela’s later work as a lecturer, blogger, and activist. Over the years, she has spoken at schools, universities, and other institutions, using her life story as a tool to foster understanding and tolerance. Central to her message is the idea of verdraagzaamheid, tolerance, paired with her deeply held belief that alles mag er zijn, everything is allowed to exist. This philosophy runs like a quiet thread through “Eindelijk, ik lééf!”. Angela shows, rather than preaches, that life’s complexity cannot be reduced to simple judgments of right or wrong. Every experience, even the most painful ones, can carry meaning. What makes Angela’s story particularly compelling is that it extends beyond transgender experience alone. While the book undeniably offers valuable insight into the realities of gender dysphoria, late transition, and societal expectations, its emotional core is universal. It speaks to anyone who has ever felt out of place, silenced, or forced to suppress essential parts of themselves. In the interview, Angela notes that when she stands on stage, she feels she carries a universal story, one that resonates even with those who have no direct connection to transgender lives. The book already contains that universality, quietly inviting readers to reflect on their own authenticity and resilience.
“Eindelijk, ik lééf!” is also a book about strength that does not announce itself loudly. Angela describes herself as someone who learned to rely on her own inner resources, often because there was no alternative. She had no role models, no clear examples to follow. That isolation was difficult, but it also forced her to trust her instincts and make choices grounded in self-awareness. This self-reliance, combined with reflection, allowed her to transform personal history into shared wisdom. At the same time, the book does not end with a sense of completion. Angela is honest about the fact that she still carries the past with her, sometimes more heavily than she would like. In the interview, she speaks openly about still being in survival mode at times, about learning slowly to allow herself joy and peace. This ongoing process gives the book lasting relevance. It does not present being “alive” as a final destination, but as a continuous, courageous practice.
In reading “Eindelijk, ik lééf!”, one feels invited into a life lived thoughtfully and sincerely, without shortcuts or illusions. It is a book that asks for patience from its reader, much like life itself asks for patience from those who live it authentically. Angela van Bebber’s story reminds us that visibility can be an act of service, that honesty can open doors for others, and that tolerance begins with allowing all parts of human experience to exist. Ultimately, “Eindelijk, ik lééf!” stands as both a personal testimony and a quiet call for compassion. It affirms that living fully is not about fitting in, but about daring to exist as oneself, even when that takes decades. Angela van Bebber’s life and words show that, sometimes, finally being alive means first surviving, then understanding, and only later, gently learning how to live.
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