Ik ben niet gek, ik ben een meisje. Mijn verandering (I’m not crazy, I’m a girl. My transformation) by Hanne Wagenvoord is a deeply moving autobiography that captures one woman’s long and painful journey toward living as her true self. More than a personal memoir, it is a raw and tender exploration of identity, truth, and the price of silence. The book offers an intimate glimpse into the life of a transgender woman who spent half a century trapped in a role that was never hers. Written with honesty and quiet courage, it is both a confession and a celebration, a story about the liberation that comes when truth finally wins over fear.
Hanne Wagenvoord was born as Hans in the small Dutch town of Balkbrug, a child who quickly realized she was different from the other boys. At just six years old, she sensed that something inside her did not align with the expectations around her. While the other boys were racing toy cars and roughhousing in the playground, Hans preferred beautiful clothes and the company of girls. She loved to braid her classmates’ hair, dreaming of attending a household management school after primary school, a path reserved for girls in the conservative eastern Netherlands of the late 1950s. She adored helping the waitresses and cleaning ladies in her brother’s restaurant, listening to their stories about life, love, and laughter. Everything about her interests and gestures pointed toward girlhood, but the world stubbornly insisted that she was a boy.
As the years went by, Hans learned the painful art of hiding. The society she grew up in left little room for difference, and family expectations weighed heavily. She buried her truth under layers of conformity, trying to be the man everyone wanted her to be. The price for that disguise was loneliness. Behind the façade of normality, she was consumed by sadness, torn between the person she was expected to perform and the woman she longed to become. Outwardly, her life looked ordinary. At fifteen, she met her great love, the woman who would later become her wife. Two years later, Hans dared to share her secret, the truth she had kept buried since childhood. Her partner, moved by love and perhaps disbelief, chose to stay. Together they built a life, raising two wonderful children and presenting themselves as a typical Dutch family. But the illusion of normality came at a cost. Each passing year deepened the ache of self-denial, turning love into quiet suffering.
By the time Hans reached her fiftieth year, the strain of living a lie had become unbearable. The long years of pretending had pushed her to the brink of despair, haunted by suicidal thoughts and a growing sense of suffocation. The moment of truth could no longer be postponed. It was then that she made the most important decision of her life: Hans would finally become Hanne. Transitioning at fifty was not an act of defiance but of survival. She knew that continuing to live as someone she wasn’t would destroy her completely. In embracing her true self, she did not lose everything. Her wife, though deeply shaken, chose to remain in her life. Their marriage transformed into a friendship built on shared history and understanding. Their love evolved into something quieter yet profoundly loyal, proof that compassion can survive even the deepest change.
In her autobiography, Hanne writes about her transformation not as a tragedy but as a rebirth. For the first time, she could live without fear or disguise. The joy she describes is not dramatic but quietly radiant, found in the simplest of acts, shopping for clothes that reflected her true self, walking through town as Hanne, hearing others address her as “she.” She recounts her surgeries and transition process with frankness, focusing less on the medical aspects and more on the emotional freedom that followed. Her story is not one of sensational headlines but of quiet endurance and hard-earned peace. It is about reclaiming the right to exist without apology.
Beyond her personal journey, Hanne’s book becomes a message of understanding and hope. She writes for those still trapped in silence, urging them to choose truth over fear, and for those who have never known what it means to question their identity, offering insight and empathy. Her purpose is not to shock but to humanize, to show that behind every label and every struggle is a heart longing simply to be seen. Through her story, she helps dismantle the ignorance and prejudice that often surround transgender lives. Each page feels like an invitation to listen and to understand, to replace judgment with compassion.
Ik ben niet gek, ik ben een meisje. Mijn verandering is not only the story of one woman’s transition but a profound meditation on identity, love, and courage. It reveals how society’s rigid ideas about gender can wound deeply, yet also how love can adapt, and how the human spirit can heal. Hanne Wagenvoord’s voice is gentle but unyielding, filled with gratitude for the second chance she gave herself. She does not portray herself as a heroine but as a woman who could no longer live a lie. By the final page, what remains is not sadness but admiration for her perseverance and honesty. Hanne’s journey is not only about becoming a woman, it is about becoming whole. After half a lifetime of silence, she steps fully into herself, offering through her words the same gift she finally gave herself: the freedom to be who she truly is.
Available via patientervaringsverhalen.nl
Photo via oost.nl
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