Hanne Wagenvoord’s book Ich bin nicht verrückt. Ich bin ein Mädchen! is a deeply moving autobiography that captures one woman’s long and painful journey toward living as her true self. Originally published in Dutch in 2014 under the title Ik ben niet gek, ik ben een meisje. Mijn verandering (“I’m not crazy, I’m a girl. My transformation”), the book offers an intimate glimpse into the life of a transgender woman who spent half a century trapped in a role that was never hers. Written with honesty and quiet courage, it is both a confession and a celebration, a story about the liberation that comes when truth finally wins over fear.
Hanne Wagenvoord was born as Hans in the small Dutch town of Balkbrug, a child who quickly realized she was different from the other boys. At just six years old, she knew something inside her did not match the expectations around her. While her peers were content with toy cars and rough games, Hans preferred beautiful clothes and the company of girls. In school, she loved to braid her classmates’ hair and dreamed of attending a household management school after primary school, a path considered appropriate for girls, not boys, in the conservative eastern Netherlands of the late 1950s. She adored helping the waitresses and cleaning ladies in her brother’s restaurant, listening to their gossip and stories about life and love. Everything about her interests, gestures, and desires aligned with being a girl, except for one stubborn fact: the world insisted she was a boy.
As the years passed, Hans learned to hide her true self behind a façade of normality. Society’s expectations, family pressure, and the moral rigidity of the time forced her to suppress her feelings. The price was immense loneliness. Inside, she was consumed by sadness, torn between the person she was expected to be and the woman she longed to become. Yet outwardly, she built a seemingly conventional life. At fifteen, Hans met her great love, the woman who would become her wife. Two years later, Hans confessed the secret that had haunted her since childhood. In a gesture of love and perhaps denial, her partner stayed. They married, raised two wonderful children, and tried to maintain the illusion of a happy, ordinary family. But that illusion came at the cost of immense emotional pain for everyone involved.
By the time Hans reached her fiftieth year, the inner struggle had become unbearable. Decades of pretending had driven her to the edge of despair and suicidal thoughts. The truth could no longer be contained. It was then that she made the most important decision of her life: Hans would finally become Hanne. Transitioning at fifty was not an act of rebellion or selfishness; it was an act of survival. In becoming Hanne, she did not lose her family completely. Her wife, though deeply shaken and grieving the loss of the husband she once knew, eventually found a new kind of bond with her. The two remained together, transforming their marriage into a friendship rooted in understanding and shared history. Their love evolved, not ended, a rare testament to resilience and compassion in the face of profound change.
In her book, Hanne describes her transformation not as a tragedy but as a rebirth. For the first time, she could live without lies, without shame, and without the suffocating silence that had surrounded her for decades. She found joy in small, everyday experiences, shopping for clothes, walking through town as herself, being addressed as “she.” The simple act of authenticity brought her peace. She writes about her surgeries and transition process with candor, focusing not on medical details but on the emotional liberation that followed. Hanne’s story is not one of sensationalism but of quiet strength, a life reclaimed after years of hiding in plain sight.
Beyond her personal narrative, Hanne uses her autobiography to educate and encourage others. She speaks directly to readers who might be struggling with gender identity, urging them to seek truth rather than endurance. She also writes for those who have never experienced such conflict, hoping to replace ignorance with empathy. Her goal is to break the wall of silence surrounding transgender lives, a wall she herself had helped build out of shame and fear. In writing the book, she tears it down completely.
Ich bin nicht verrückt. Ich bin ein Mädchen! is not just the story of a transition but a meditation on identity, love, and courage. It shows how deeply ingrained gender expectations can destroy lives, but also how human connection can survive transformation. Hanne Wagenvoord’s voice is gentle yet determined, her reflections full of humility and gratitude. She does not present herself as a hero but as someone who simply wanted to live in truth. The book leaves the reader with admiration for her perseverance and respect for her honesty.
In the end, Hanne’s journey is not only about becoming a woman. It is about becoming whole. After half a lifetime of pretending, she finally allows herself to exist fully, without apology. Through her words, she offers others the same gift she gave herself, the permission to be who they truly are.
Available via Amazon
Photo via oost.nl
Post a Comment