Katja Heilmann - Er? Sie? Ich!

2016, German, Katja Heilmann,

Original title: "Er? Sie? Ich! - Ein Leben zwischen Zerrissenheit, Verzweiflung und Glück" (He? They? I! - A Life Between Conflict, Despair, and Happiness) by Katja Heilmann.

Katja Heilmann’s book Er? Sie? Ich! - Ein Leben zwischen Zerrissenheit, Verzweiflung und Glück is a moving and honest account of a life lived between two worlds, searching for identity, peace, and happiness. It tells the story of a person who was born in 1970 in the former East Germany and grew up in a time and place where the concept of being transgender simply did not exist in the public mind. It was a time when conformity was not only expected but required, and the idea that someone might feel different inside than what society told them they were allowed to be was unthinkable. For Katja, this meant a childhood filled with confusion and loneliness, as she realized that her interests, emotions, and self-image did not match those of other children of the same sex.

 

From early on, Katja sensed something within her that she could not name. As a child, she was drawn to things that others around her considered inappropriate or strange for her gender. At first, she did not think much of it, but when puberty arrived, these feelings grew stronger, and so did her sense of conflict. She did not understand why she felt the way she did, and there was nobody she could turn to. The topic of transsexuality was completely taboo in the GDR, and no one dared to speak of it. So she kept her feelings hidden, inventing small ways to express her true self in secret, all the while carrying a growing weight of shame and self-doubt.

 

Despite this inner turmoil, Katja built a life that from the outside looked stable and successful. She learned to organize her life, make plans, and pursue her goals. She studied, worked, and got married in 1992 to a woman who would later become her greatest source of strength. Together, they created a loving home, first in Thuringia and later in a small village near the Lutherstadt Wittenberg. Life seemed to follow a steady path until Katja’s fortieth birthday, when everything changed. She was suddenly confronted with a challenge that threw her world into despair. The details of this crisis, which included both her transition and a serious illness, form the emotional heart of her story. It was through this painful process that she began to truly find herself.

 

With her wife’s unwavering support, Katja began to confront the questions and truths she had hidden for decades. Writing the book became part of that healing process. Her wife encouraged her to put her story on paper, believing that it could help others and also bring them closer together. The act of writing allowed Katja to revisit her past, to face the moments of fear, self-doubt, and misunderstanding, and to transform them into something meaningful. Many nights, she and her wife would talk for hours about what she had written, processing not only Katja’s memories but also the shared journey of their marriage. These conversations deepened their bond and helped them both to understand what it means to live authentically, even when life presents unexpected challenges.

 

In her book, Katja speaks not only about her personal transformation but also about the social realities that transgender people still face. Although times have changed and society is more open than it was thirty years ago, ignorance and prejudice persist. She points out that there are still many people who believe that society is already fully informed about trans issues, yet her experiences and those of others show that this is far from true. Her encounters with people who denied the existence of discrimination or dismissed trans identities as a passing trend motivated her even more to share her perspective. Katja’s message is simple yet profound: transsexuality is not a disease or something to be feared. It is a part of human diversity, and those who live with it deserve understanding and acceptance. She compares it to a disability in the sense that it is not contagious, and that it should not define a person’s worth or ability to live a happy, meaningful life. Through her story, she wants to show that happiness is possible, even after years of inner conflict and despair.

 

The title Er? Sie? Ich! captures the central struggle of Katja’s life. It reflects the question that haunted her for decades: Who am I? Am I the person the world sees, or the one I feel inside? The subtitle, Ein Leben zwischen Zerrissenheit, Verzweiflung und Glück, a life between conflict, despair, and happiness, perfectly summarizes the emotional journey that defines her memoir. It is a story of courage, honesty, and resilience, told without self-pity but with an unflinching look at both pain and joy. Katja’s writing is straightforward and sincere, mirroring her desire to communicate, not to impress. She does not try to embellish her experiences but presents them as they are, sometimes raw, sometimes tender, and always deeply human. Her story is a testament to the power of love, especially the love of her wife, who stood by her through every difficult moment. Together, they demonstrate that understanding and acceptance within a relationship can become a bridge to self-acceptance.

 

Today, Katja describes herself as happy and fulfilled, having finally arrived in her own life. She continues to live with a chronic illness that began around her fortieth birthday, yet she sees it not as a curse but as another part of her journey. It has taught her to appreciate life more deeply, to be present, and to cherish what she has. Er? Sie? Ich! is more than a personal memoir; it is also a call for empathy and education. Katja hopes that readers will talk about what they learn from her story, share it with friends, and help make conversations about trans identity a normal part of social life. By telling her truth, she contributes to the slow but steady process of making trans lives visible, respected, and understood. Her book stands as both a witness to the past and a hopeful gesture toward a more compassionate future.

Available via Amazon

Photo via katjaheilmann.de